Monday, August 31, 2009

Stuff about other stuff

Remember how I'm scared shitless of snakes? Right. Well, yesterday? I was trying to get some stuff down off the shelf in the closet and I'm standing on my tippy tip toes rooting blindly along the shelf when I feel something slither down my back and I jumped back, punched myself in the face, tripped over a shoe, whacked my shin on the bed frame and started screaming my head off. The dogs? DIDN'T EVEN MOVE and when I finally had the nerve to look at what just tried to kill me? It was a belt.

I can hear you bitches laughing.

To console myself from my near death experience, I bought some KILLER new shoes.

I got to see my Gigibella. She likes nachos, apparently. Also, her cousin Abbie who is 2 1/2 calls her "Baby Jesus". Which I find pants wettingly funny. Because I'm super classy like that.

My Old Man dog caught his toenail in the door frame when he was knocking to be let in and ripped his whole nail off. I? Am not a good nurse. With the blood and the bleeding and the blood. But I managed to suck it up and bandage his footy with a sock. You know, because it was his foot. Obviously.


Lastly, I've decided what to do about Lea. If I were to call CPS, right now, they would know it was me. And more than that my HUSBAND would know it was me and I just don't need that kind of grief. So instead?I did what any right thinking Atheist would do. I called the Mormons.

It will amuse many of you to know that I was raised Mormon. I know, right? BUT STILL. I was and they still come to my house and try to bribe me with cookies to come back to church. While I love cookies? I don't love them that much.

I know that y'all have your own opinions about the Mormon's already and so do I, so I won't delve into why I am no longer am. What I will say is while I disagree with many of their belief structures, I respect that they have them.

I called my "Home Teachers" who are a retired cop and a retired teacher. Perfect, right? I explained the situation to the wife and asked if she could arrange a sort of sting operation to get someone from their local ward to start "visiting" them. You can see the filth from the front door, so even if they don't get invited in (and chances are they won't) the cat shit a foot inside the door, the stench, the over flowing garbage visible from the doorstep, all of it is enough "probable cause" to call in CPS.

I specifically asked that they go during school hours so that they could also report that the children were at home. This should mean that the CPS case worker will look for school records (home or otherwise).

I am hopeful that this will work. If it doesn't? Well, then, fuck my husbands opinion, I'm calling CPS myself.

15 little kittens say Meow:

Lorrie Veasey said...

This sounds like a good plan Thystlegirl.

When they are done with this, perhaps you could charge the Mormons with leading the snakes out of Phoenix? I heard this worked for the Irish.

CK said...

Good call. One thing you can say about the Mormons (out of the many I'd like to say at times) is that they are tenacious, particularly where family and kids are involved.

Keep us posted about Lea and the snakes. At least living on the 8th floor all I have to worry about usually is mutant roaches who manage to climb the pipes into the bathtub in the middle of the night. Seriously. Ewwwwwww.

Jody said...

I think I need to read back and find out about the kids.
I about laughed my ass off at the sock on the dog picture.
Sorry I am just wierd that way I guess.

CK said...

Oh! Funny story about visiting teachers! My friend Greg, who also grew up Morman, and now lives in Manhattan with his boyfriend and works as a costume designer (so you can guess how much he wants to go back to the church) picked up his apartment phone one day to hear his doorman on the other end saying "oh, so sorry I don't think he's in right now!"
Apparently the Mormons had tracked him down and his doorman ran interference for him without a second thought. Good doorman!

Miss Thystle said...

I need a door man.

I'm thinking driving snakes out of Phoenix would make for a shit car trip.

I added hyperlinks.

I need a nap.

That is all.

Kr√ęg said...

I once punched myself in the junk trying to catch a phone that I'd dropped. But the self-administered-shiner is a new one. Nice work.

I had Mormons in my house on Friday, but they behaved themselves and didn't even mention their religion. It probably didn't hurt that everyone else was pounding beer and bourbon right in their faces, and we outnumbered them 5:1.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

scared of the closet because once a mouse, an actual MOUSE jumped out onto my face. I reacted the way you did with the belt snake. THEN when I woke the next morning the mouse was on my mattress smothered to death. All true and a freaking freaky story.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

Lets begin that last comment with "I am".

Lin said...

I love your new shoes! They're so awesome.

I also think that your plan for helping out Lea is a great one. It's like narcing them out without being the narc. Nice.

Nadine Hightower said...

so sneaky!!

Lorrie Veasey said...

I am still laughing at the image of Kreg punching himself in the testicles while trying to grab the phone. While meanwhile, Amy is falling asleep on mice and smothering them to death. Gawd I love my interweb peeps. Wake up Thystle. Sleep is for the weak.

Chibi said...

I heart you so hard. That is an excellent plan. <3

Jane! said...

You are a genius. Even living where I do, I wouldn't have thought of that solution for someone living where you do. I forget that they've gone national.

ZDub said...

Zoe calls Troy Baby Jesus, but the Spanish version.

She calls him that when he's being naughty. I have no idea why.

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