Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Holla at my ladies!

I'm sure you're going to be all SHUT UP, BITCH when you're half way done reading this but whatever. I don't care. I'm whining anyway because this is my blog and I can so SUCK IT. HA! Just kidding! Don't suck it! Come back here! After I whine I'm going to tell you VALUABLE INFORMATION that you will want to know! Promise!

Sister Laura is getting married in October. Even though I totally told her that these things never end well and she should just shack up with him and then she's all "but I LOOOOOVEEEE him" so whatever, don't listen to me, see if I care. The wedding is at some super fancy place and so you know what that means. Pantyhose. I KNOW. The things I do for these girls, I tell ya. But it also means Fancy Dress. And do I OWN a fancy dress? No. Well, yes. But not one that fits. As well documented within the hallowed pages of this very blog, I'm a wee bit...what's the word? Oh yeah, FUCKING VAIN. I can admit it. I'm vain. Self centered. Stuck up. You get the idea. So I started shopping already for a dress to wear. Because I'm also cheap. No, let's make that "thrifty". No! Wait! Frugal! That sounds better. I'm vain and frugal! Yes! Anyhoodle, what the fuck was I rambling on about ? I DON'T KNOW EITHER. Oh, right. Dress. I went to Ross or as my dear friend Sonia likes to call it "Goodwill" to look for a dress and you know what? I found one! I KNOW. It's Calvin Klein lined knit with gores that give it a close fitting top, boat neck and full skirt. It's even black! SCORE! So I take my treasure, stroking it and calling it my precious and pretty much making out with it right there in the aisle and skip gleefully back to the dressing room to try it on so that I can admire myself and how pretty I am in it and you know what? IT DIDN'T FUCKING FIT. I'm not even making that up. It was too big. I know, right? The TRAUMA. But fuck you, it was traumatic! I wanted that dress! WANTED WANTED WANTED and it didn't fit. I was only SLIGHTLY consoled by it being too large, because really, what girl doesn't like things to be too big rather than too small (wink, wink!) but still. Damn.

Despondently, I searched the racks for a smaller size but NOOOOO of course not. But you know what I DID find?

It's a little slice if angels singing called an "Absession Tank". It's similar to a Yummie Tummie tank like this one

see that weird looking part in the middle? That's spandex, baby. As in The Miracle Smoother Of The Gods. You wear it just like a regular layering tank and it smooths out your fat rolls. I KNOW! Didn't I tell you that you would want to know this? The Yummie Tummie is WAY out of my price range at a retail price of $82 at Dillards. Seriously. It's amazing and all but not THAT amazing.

But the Absession tank? $9 at Ross. Right? So all you girls need to run right out to your nearest Ross and go look in the "Shapewear" section for these because it is SO worth you lunch money.

You're welcome. Anything to help you eat an extra doughnut.

11 little kittens say Meow:

Lorrie Veasey said...

In another life Thystle, I am sure you clung to a bedpost whilst your handmaiden laced up your corset and you cried out "tighter."

Tight undergarments: keeping women down since the turn of the century.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

i ate 5 donuts today. and i am not kidding. i promise. i need to go get this. bad.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

make that 6 because i bought a 1/2 dozen and forgot about the last one UNTIL I READ THIS POST. thanks.

Nadine Hightower said...

You're so savy!! Can you alter the dress you like??

So Roy says, "Who is sexy and why do you want to date them?"

OOOhhh....he still mullin' over Facebook but we're on the same page now.

Bj in Dallas said...

thanks for the generic info at Ross, HOWEVER, I bought a Spanx to go under a dress for a wedding and it was the most uncomfortable night of my life!! No, no, never.

Can you take that cute dress to an alterations place?? Maybe not if its knit, but it may be worth a go-back.

Jane! said...

I would be afraid that thing would cover up my muffintop.

Have you looked for the awesome dress online?

KC said...

Can you say "internal injuries"? You need to trust me on this.

CK said...

eh, I usually skip the panty-hose, but you can pry my girdles/spankx/sucker-in devices from my cold dead hands.

That tank thing looks kind of cool, I may have to check it out for work.

CK said...

Though they may want to re-think the name because I keep reading "Absession" which I'm sure is supposed to be a portmanteau of obsession and abs but in my head I'm hearing "abscess" then I start thinking of medical compression underwear and the pictures aren't pretty.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Chiming in with the others: if the dress was cheap enough, see if it can be altered. If not and/or the alterations will be too pricey, take it back (you CAN take it back, right? We are Ross-deprived in Canaduh).

DavidShag said...

Wow - welcome to denial - you can't wear the fancy dress because you are vain? No you can't wear the fancy dress because (mmmf mmmf - my guardian angel just mugged me here)