Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ouiser Says

Dear People who move their cell phone in front of their mouth to talk and move it back to their ear to listen,

YOU ARE A DUMBASS. Have you every heard of this little technology called sound amplification? I know it's a recent development, having only been around since like 1830. This miracle of science means that even though microphone is two inches from your noise hole it can detect sound! I'm not even making this up! When you say "'Sup Bitches!" it can actually receive those syllables without being crammed down your larynx!

If you haven't heard of this technology, who are you not currently wearing mittens and a ball gag for your own safety?

If you HAVE heard of this wicked little cool transducer and you STILL are doing it then I insist you immediately procure and don a helmet and a reflective sweater. And mittens and a ball gag. And you better find a leash so that someone who doesn't eat paste and crackers for lunch can keep you from wandering into traffic.



PS. I bet you also think that if you keep pushing the elevator button the carriage comes more quickly don't you?

5 little kittens say Meow:

Jody said...


I have no idea why but this post cracked me up. Gotta love it when you can bitch out loud!

Lorrie Veasey said...

Wow. I remember you being really annoyed at people who like kittens about three weeks ago. And three weeks before that you were all like "Let's kill all the people who want to save the dolphins."

I feel your rythm baby.

Kr√ęg said...

Well, I may be wearing mittens, a ball gag, and a leash, but I assure you it is NOT for reasons of safety.

Nadine Hightower said...

That is so dumb, isn't it.

Bj in Dallas said...

see? You can turn that into a horrible retail experience and bitch about it on my new blog!
Or maybe we have a sidebar that is for stupid human tricks.
It could work.