Friday, October 2, 2009

Inmate Mrs. Robinson

Among the more annoying things that my husband does (and believe me, if I told you everything he did to piss me off you'd never come back here because it would be All Complaining All The Time up in this website) is volunteer me to do things for other people with out asking me. Need to borrow a car? Take Thystle's! Need your taxes done? Thystle will do them! Need help moving? No problem, we'll be right over! This week alone, he's volunteered me to pick up D from work, let D borrow my car for the weekend and told ThePerv I'd watch his kids last night because it was their man-date night and ThePerv's wife, despite knowing this had made other plans that apparently were more important than mine.

I told J that I had to pick up M and drive her somewhere at 6, so if I was watching TheDemons they'd need to be ready to go with me.

When I pulled up in front of ThePervs house, he opened the garage door and came out. I'd stayed in my car, but got out so that I could load up the car seats.

"You can park in the driveway" he says

"No, I've got to go, are the kids ready?"

"Uh, ready to go where? BabyGirl is sleeping"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Apparently J hadn't bothered to tell him that I had plans.

"I have to take M somewhere, she has to be there at 6 (it was 5:45)"

"Oh. I don't have car seats"

SERIOUSLY.

Rather than lose my shit, I tell him that I'll deal with it, shut off my car, slam the door shut and go in the house. I call M who, surprisingly doesn't whine. Probably because she was already on my list after I found fucking dirty dishes in the mother fucking bathroom. Who does that? Who? Anyway. I digress.

ThePerv tells me the kids haven't eaten and tells me and TheBoy that BabyGirl has a lunchable for her dinner and TheBoy can either have a hot dog or I can make the pizza on the top shelf. Now as you read the rest of this, bear in mind TheBoy is almost 8.

The very minute the door to the garage shuts, TheBoy whips open the fridge and takes out a lunchables box.

"What are you doing?" I ask him

"This is my dinner" he tells me

"No, it's not. You can have hot dogs, that's for BabyGirl"

"No, it's MINE"

Oh HELL NO. No child, especially a child that doesn't belong to me, speaks to me like that. I bend over so my face is right next to his and hiss out in the voice I reserve for door to door Jesus peddlers, you know, the one that makes me sound like Satan;

"You do not speak to adults like that. Put it back."

He shoots me an evil glare, but does it.

Next thing I know, he's standing on the coffee table using his toes to remove the glass insert. I scold him again. Then he scampers off, presumably to his room. Only, he went to his parents room and comes out wearing a slip and his mothers shoes. Then he proceeds to take off his shirt and twirl it around his head, stripper like.

I KNOW.

We manage a few minutes where I don't want to beat his skinny little ass and I figure we've gotten over the transition from Dad to Babysitter, so I step into the ladies.

When I come back out, I hear a weird popping noise.

"What's that?" I ask him

"I'm making chili" he tells me

"That doesn't sound right," I say and dash into the kitchen

Where i find a mother fucking CAN of chili in the microwave. A can. In the microwave. I snatch open the door and yank out the sparking can and toss it into the sink. I whip around ready to scold him and you know what that little fucker says to me?

"you were stupid to do that"

WHAT?

"Excuse me?" I say, giving him a chance to back peddle and avoid an ass whipping

"You. Were. Stupid" he repeats.

OH FUCK NO.

I stick my face right into his, grab his chin in my hand so that he has no choice but to look right in my eyes and tell him

"You will not EVER speak to me, or any other adult like that in my hearing. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"But you were stupid!" he insists.

"Tell you what, since you can't be respectful, we're going call your dad and get him to come home, because I will not be spoken to like that."

Then the water works and the no no please no.

By this time BabyGirl is awake (she's 3) and wants to cuddle on the chair with me. She slides in beside me and tucks herself up under my arm. I hear a door close and there's TheBoy only now he's wearing a healthy helping of his mothers jewelry and another pair of heels. I tell him to return them immediately and he glares at me and stomps off, but comes back and climbs into the chair on my other side, apparently having decided that I wasn't going to give an inch to bad behavior.

We sit peacefully for a few minutes and I tell them we should move to the couch so that everyone has a little more room.

Next thing I know he's humping my leg.

NOT EVEN KIDDING. He was HUMPING MY LEG. Like a dog.

I remove him and tell him that's not acceptable behavior. So he climbs up on the the couch and starts trying to STICK HIS HAND DOWN MY SHIRT.

I tell him to stop, but he does it again, insisting that I "have to let him, because (I'm) his girlfriend".

OH FUCK NO.

Again with the demon voice and he stops.

Since it's about 7:45 I ask BabyGirl if she wants to put her jammies on and she scampers off to find some princess jammies. When she comes back, I ask her what time she goes to bed and she tells me 8:30. Seems a bit late for a 3 year old, but not unreasonable. I turn to the boy and ask him. 10:30 he says. No, I tell him, I doubt that. Try again. Fine, he huffs, 10. Nope, I say. After a few more attempts we get to 9, which I find more believable and so I ask it they're allowed to have dessert on a school night. Oh, OF COURSE he tells me *I* can eat anything in the freezer, but BabyGirl can't.

More screaming and some hitting ensues as BabyGirl insists that they each get ONE cookie and that's it.

Thank god their mom came home right then. I thought. Until she and TheBoy start yelling at one another about dessert. Then he storms out of the kitchen throws himself on the floor and starts wailing in his best Whatever Happened To Baby Jane fashion.

I give BabyGirl a hug goodbye and he leaps up to get his and STICKS HIS FACE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING TITS. I shove his little head back and make my escape.

When J gets home he asks M how her thing went and I tell him that she didn't get to go, because ThePerv wasn't prepared for the kids to leave the house. That apparently he had no idea they were supposed to.

"Didn't you call him?" J asks

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?

"No," I say calmly (thankyoubabyjesusforxanax) "I asked you to"

"Why would I call him?"

(I begin to stab him in my mind)

Finally we get resolved that he had told ThePerv that they needed to be able to go with me, only hadn't given him a time frame and apparently ThePerv had forgotten. I tell him about the can in the microwave and the tittie touching and announce that I will not. ever. watch. that. kid. again.

"Oh, I already told him you'd watch them on Tuesday" he replies.

And that, my lovely little kittens, is why I am in jail.

24 little kittens say Meow:

KAErk said...

that is why my friends with kids and my friends friends and my husbands friends know how much I hate children. Its almost the first conversation out of my mouth. I've had conversations where I warn parents (some friends were hinting asking me to babysit) that I would wrap their kiddies up in duct tape, and super glue their asses to the ceiling. if I was in your position I probably would ACTUALLY be in jail, but for murder of children, well the boy. I actually feel slightly upset just reading it. I'm going to go have a drink now. thanks, and its only 10am.

Carrie said...

HOLY SHIT are u kidding me...where these kids raised by freakin wolves?? And the womans clothing and humping your leg...is he ok? i mean really??? WOW

Carrie said...

Oh next time bring Benedryl and drug them....just a thought.

Sheila said...

Are these the same kids that need you asked the Mormons to call on?

Also, I think this is why you drink.

Miss Thystle said...

@Kristie- it's noon somewhere
@Carrie - no, I think this kid is seriously unwell
@Sheila - nope, different kids. But they're not helping my whiskey consumption. OR are helping it.

Eric said...

Not only no would I not help out with the kids again but it would be an HELL NO! The boy is a perv waiting to happen, I predict at 16 he will be in jail for something stupid, that is a nice thought to look forward to.

rpc said...

You're far too nice to people. You should have said "OK, I'll come back after I have dropped M off - you'll have to wait until I get back" and then driven REALLY slowly.

PearlsOfSomething said...

WHERE do you meet these people?!?

And where in the world did your cojones run off to?????

Roth Wriscey said...

I was really hoping you would punch this future drag queen.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Where do I send your bail money?

♥georgie♥ said...

and i thought my day was bad...YOU win...hands down!!!

OHN said...

Yet another call needs to be made to child protective services. Little boys don't do that unless they have seen it or experienced it. That kid needs some SERIOUS intervention!

Oh, and your husband, even I want to kick his ass.

Nadine Hightower said...

You need to cancel your babysitting gig....asap.

I say so.

kwr221 said...

h, bull. shit. No way! J owes you BIG TIME.

(If!) you ever get roped in again,
a. he brings them to your house
b. you get to have a huge tumbler og whiskey
c. make him sign something that you can whoop his butt
d. speed dial him or momma to come pick them up.
e. J owes you a mega spa retreat or girls weekend - NYC!!!! call me I'll drive down to meet you. (Lorrie? You'll meet us, right?

Lin said...

After all that I would never ever babysit for them again! You should totally stick to your guns & have J cancel the plans he made for you.

However it turns out, good luck.

I am Trish Marie said...

I would skip the Benadryl and go straight to stronger drugs for that one.

Kr√ęg said...

Sounds like you are too nice of a person. You need to work on saying "No!" more often. It's delightfully empowering.

Martie said...

Oh NO he diiiiinnnnt! I would tell him that the only person watching those kids on Yuesday would be their parents or Child Protective Services. Oh MY, nightmare. And I have 7 brats in my care most days.

Jaime said...

Reading this was literally painful. You know how in dreams you'll scream or kick if say, you're in a fight? I was totally acting out while reading this, karate chopping his face off and dropping elbows. I HATE HIM. I WANT TO TASER HIM. I also want to buy you a pony for going through that shit.

Queen of the Universe said...

Prisoners get to go on-line. Boy, won't your blog be even more interesting then.

Seriously, I agree with the big "Hell No"s.

Lorrie Veasey said...

How lucky the Perve & his wife are for having someone like you around to pinch hit babysit!

How lucky is your husband to have such a good person as his wife that he gets to enjoy the feeling that comes from doing a kind deed without having to actually do the deed himself!

How lucky is that boy who is in the process of growing and is so confused about where the boundaries and limits are, that he had you to speak to him honestly and show him where some of the lines are drawn!

You are a blessing to all who are lucky enough to know you Thystle.

ZDub said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm sorry, this is so something that would happen to me. I babysat a friend's toddler once and let her spend the night. The bitch didn't show up for TWO days and when she did show, she was drunk. I told her to call her mom or I was calling the popo.

And the kicker? We worked together.

AWKWARD.

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Anonymous said...

If that child does not have actual documented developmental delays/impulse control issues, I would probably report that. That is extremely unreasonable and red flag behavior for a child that age.