Oh Dear

Dear Moms,

Hi. I know that you have a lot going on. I get that kids are a big, snotty, whiny time suck. But I promise you that you DO have time for yourself if you would just take the time to find it. Blaming your kids for why you've let yourself go is bullshit. How do you think your kids will feel knowing that they made mommy bitchy AND ugly?

SephoraHugsandCalgonKisses,

K

Dear Phoenix Drivers,

You're dumbasses. I drive a large, loud, WHITE truck. If you weren't using both hands to fucking TEXT you probably would be able to not run into me. Just saying. Oh, and another thing. Maybe instead of buying stupid looking spinners for your 1986 Ford Fiesta you could spring for some working turn signals?

Suckmychrome,

Kiki

Dear Old Navy,

Can you PLEASE make up your mind as to how things will be sized? I HATE having to try on every single thing I buy. Especially when said things are simply different colors of the same item. They are the SAME ITEM they should be consistently sized. You're fucking KILLING ME HERE.

BlueandPinkStippedSmooches,

Kiki

Dear QT,

Thanks for making delicious coffee you assheads. Now I will never make it to work on time since I have to stop every morning for my fix. Could you like, I don't know, raise the price or something? If it wasn't $1.29 for 24 delicious, caffeinated ounces I probably wouldn't stop.

Bouncily yours,

Kikkkkkkkiiiiiii

Dear Fat People,

Stop being such babies. You're fat. Yay for you. Either accept it or change it. You've got the power. But getting on TV and whining and crying about how it's not fair is bullshit. I know you didn't CHOOSE to be like that, but you can choose to change it. Is it hard? Yes. Does it sometimes suck? Yes. Does it seem like it's impossible? Yes. But can you DO it? YES YOU CAN. Also? Being fat is not an excuse not to attend to personal hygiene. They have butt-wiping stick, into which you can clamp toilet paper and then reach over your shoulder to wipe you stanky ass. I'm not even making that up. You're giving all the rest of us fatties a bad name and I don't appreciate it.

Frommyfatasstoyours,

KikiChubbikins

Dear My Boobs,

I miss you.

Dejectedandflatchestedly,

me

Dear ShitMonkey who out bid me in the last 30 seconds of the eBay auction,

You know who else does this? People who kill and eat kittens, that's who. Do you hate kittens? Are you TRYING to make the Baby Jesus cry? Will that make you happy? WILL IT? I hope your ill-gotten boots give you a big juicy blister and then your feet rot and fall off.

Stumpit,

K