Friday, October 16, 2009

Judge Kiki

Much like my housekeeping, my style of parenting mostly involves ensuring that no one is in immanent danger of death or dismemberment.

The older M gets the more lax I get. If the child doesn't know not to stick a fork in the light socket, then, well, I'll just give her a lovely funeral and buy a smarter kid to replace her.

When she was little though, I was much more vigilant. The drawers had little tabby whatsits that prevented adults from opening them and the sockets had covers and the dresser was bolted to the wall and so on. She was always belted to her seat and never allowed to ride in the basket of the grocery cart. Because babies? ARE STUPID. That's why they have parents, right?

Apparently someone has forgotten to pass that memo around.

Yesterday, while wasting my lunch hour at Target I was standing in the Christmas card aisle (side note: WHAT THE FUCK? It's the MIDDLE OF OCTOBER) when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a woman herding four children through the aisle. Three were running around like mental patients on cappuccino and the littlest, a boy about two, was standing in the baby-seat part of the basket.

Oh, yes, you DO know exactly where this is going.

I watch Baby start to sway and just as I yell out "HEY!" to alert the mom to sit his wicked little ass down, he FALLS OUT head first onto the floor.

It's been a while since my first aid certificate was valid, but I dashed over and whipped a Kleenex pocket pack out of my purse and pressed it to his bleeding head while the little fucker squirmed and tried to bite me. His mother was wailing like a tea kettle in Spanish causing the other children to begin to howl, while I tried to remember anything to say to her that wasn't insulting or obscene. As it turns out I don't KNOW anything in Spanish that's not at least suggestive. Because I'm classy like that.

Luckily, an employee arrived right about that time and then the ambulance was called and the cops arrived and I had to give a statement to absolve a certain Bullseye from liability. My statement went like this "Her back was turned and the baby was STANDING in the cart unrestrained and then he fell out. The end. It was COMPLETELY the mothers fault". Because you KNOW in this society someone is going to try to sue over this situation. God forbid we take responsibility for our own actions! NO! It can't POSSIBLY be your own fault, that's just CRAZY TALK.

But you want to know the best part? After staunching a (superficial, luckily) head wound? I didn't get a single drop of blood on my white tee-shirt!

Sometimes a good deed DOES go unpunished.

Well, until they call me to testify. And then? I will judge. OH YES I WILL JUDGE. Because any parent less attentive than I am is probably....uh...Jon Gosselin and that deserves some serious punishment.

11 little kittens say Meow:

Jody said...

GEEZ!!!!! I bet your heart started pumping a thousand miles an hour.
That mother is lucky the kid didn't die.

Chelle said...

You know what? You're pretty insensitive. Did it ever occur to you that she maybe WANTED junior to fall out of the cart? How will he ever learn to fly if he never allowed to fall from great heights? Safety proofing your children is pretty stifling to their natural aviary development if you ask me. Which somebody must have.

Think about it. I mean, really think.

Miss Thystle said...


You're so right! It's all my mothers fault that I can't fly. She never let me jump off the roof even though I was totally wearing a bed sheet cape. I'm telling my therapist.

Sheila said...

It's what I've been saying for years -- you need a license to have a dog, but anyone can have a kid.

and yes, I did steal that from the movie Parenthood. see, i'm honest and responsible!!

Baylee and Blair's page said...

Do you know what's crazy? The baby seatbelt thing use to not be able to fit around Blair's belly... yes, it WAS that big! And, I would have to watch her little butt like a hawk! Parents are just freaks when it comes to that kind of shit. ANYTHING could happen like that! RIDIC!

Love ya - Tiff

Nadine Hightower said...

You're the best ever!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Jane! said...

You bolted the dressers to the wall and didn't let your kid ride in a shopping cart basket? I didn't even know those two things were on the childproofing list!!

CK said...

Mom did lets us jump from just about every where else though. Oh wait...No she didn't. She was in grad school and didn't know about half the crazy shit we did till years later.

Anyway, I tend to think kids are tough or we wouldn't have survived the caveman portion of our species development, but there's casual parenting and then there's letting your kid crash down on his noggin in the Tar-jay.

Bj in Dallas said...

Target is not ground zero for bad parenting, Wal-Fart is.

1. Is your child sunburned, dirty and only wearing a diaper?? COME ON DOWN

2. Did you bring your entire family to shop, relying on the older siblings to torture I mean watch the younger ones while you talk on the phone? WELCOME!!

3. Do you qualify to be the next cover for the magazine SHIT PARENTING?? We've been waiting for you!

I've always said, its not bad kids, its BAD PARENTS :(

ZDub said...

Is this like taking pictures of your kid while he busts his nose on the ground at the Pumpkin Patch?

If it is, do I have a post for you!

(See my blog.)

I was too broke to child proof anything when Zoe was little and now with Troy, I'm just too lazy.

And by lazy, I mean drunk.

fattie20xl said...

jon gosslin is my hero.

besides... kate's a bitch. those kids are DOOOOOMED!$!@!