Friday, October 30, 2009

Not Okay

I can go days, sometimes weeks, recently even a few months, where I am okay. Maybe not great, certainly not stellar, but okay. I can react normally. I can laugh, I can cry, I can get angry and I can do it all in context. I can do it all in scale.

But then there will come a day when I can't.

When that tenuous grip on okay begins to slip.

If I am lucky, there are signs. If I'm lucky, the decent from reasonable to completely losing my shit is slow. I can stop it.

This time isn't one of those.

That's the thing about The Crazy. You're fucking crazy. You do not have that ability to stand back from a situation and say "is this really about me?" Of course it's fucking about me. Everything I hear, everything I see, everything everything everything is about me. I am not able to think before I speak. All I am able to do is react. I think it's rather obvious that most times, that reaction? Not so good.

Ah, Crazy, you mother fucker.

At some point, I am not completely sure when, recently at any rate, my life has descended into locking myself in the bathroom. Which pretty much means that any day now you're going to see me on the news being craned out of my bathroom by firemen because I refuse to leave the shower and I've taken to eating soap and talking to the drain. You laugh, but it could happen.

I spend most of my day talking myself down. Convincing myself that crying about cold coffee isn't appropriate. Or that the restaurant being out of what I want to eat is probably not the end of the world. That getting in my car, driving away and not looking back isn't a reasonable reaction to the dishes not being done. That simply ceasing to be isn't the answer.

But it is. Right now, to me, it is.

Because I have the Crazy and The Crazy has me.

14 little kittens say Meow:

Lin said...

I hope the crazies dont stick around very long, good luck!

CK said...

Hugs. And crying is a completely appropriate response to cold coffee. At least if you are me anyway. But then, there are very few things that aren't fodder for crying for me on bad days.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Ceasing to be is not okay, dear heart. But I know you know that. <3

I had one of those episodes involving crying over "cold coffee" when I got home from work today. I hate how said episodes make me question my sanity. I can only hope that some day I'll be able to talk myself down because I'm wholly incapable of doing it right now.

If you ever need an ear or a shoulder, I'm only an email away. *squishy hugs 'n tons of love*

ZDub said...

OK, I feel very bad about myself now. Why? Because I do those things LIKE ALL THE TIME and I don't consider myself to have The Crazy.

Even though we both know I do suffer.

I don't cry, I just get REALLY REALLY PISSED. Like it's unhealthy.

I do hope you are feeling better. Seriously.

Nadine Hightower said...

Big Hugs.

Sometimes a drive is helpful. Just come back.

I have been in the car several times becuz I'm running away. I drive for about an hour to nowhere....and come back.

Take it one thing at a time, You got family and friends that adore you...Hang in there!

Bj in Dallas said...

honey, I have been borrowing the crazy now and then, and so sorry you are too.

it will pass, but fuck it until it doesn't. It sucks. I call it being in my ditch.

OHN said...

The rough thing about the crazy's is that when they are here, you CAN'T really see that it isn't good and you CAN'T really see that you need to step back and rationalize.

It's almost as if someone in your head, has thrown away all the sensible thoughts and replaced them with a dense fog.

It is hard to fight your way out without help....don't be afraid to ask for it.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

Been there! To me, it's scary. I loose control over emotions. All of them. Fear being the worst. It's scary. Just know that you aren't alone... and at least you are functioning. I stayed in bed for a week. Literally :)

The Fabulous Sheree Burlington said...

OMG. We're the same person! I am totally psycho lately. The sad thing is that everyone around me knows it long before I do. By the time I'm ready to admit I'm not coping, they're all ready for an intervention. But they're too scared of me to even dare.

fattie20xl said...

is throwing a salad an acceptable reaction to the 15th truck driver driving up and interrupting my lunch? what about spitting coffee on someone for talking out of turn when they come up to my window? or throwing a pen at a truck driver's window for just sitting there and not getting out of his truck so i can yell at him for interrupting my lunch and then throw my salad at him since i gcan't possibly eat it now and then spit coffee in his face for answering me back?

'cause you're not alone.

Lorrie Veasey said...

We all get the crazies in different amounts Thystle. the good news is that if you tell yourself that this too, shall pass...it eventually does. And it will and all will be well. Until then: find a good book to lose yourself in, eat PLENTY of dark chocolate, and take a bubble bath. I lerves ya.

mepsipax said...

Crazy is infectious too. So stay away from me.

Jody said...

Wow I totally feel like that some days. Like crazy is winning.
It sucks.

Jane! said...

Amen, chica.
I wonder if it is the time of year that loosens our grip.
I think you're on the right track with the Snickers, tho.