Monday, August 25, 2008

Chuck Norris Can Unscramble An Egg

As a general rule, I ignore about 90% of what M says. This is because teenagers, especially GIRL teenagers, talk ALL. THE. TIME. I swear to goodness that there are times when that child fails to breathe for hours at a time and yet still, manages to tell me in finite minute detail everything that happened from the time I dropped her off at school until the time I picked her up.

Things like;

OMG and then Erin, not my beloved, but the Other Erin, New Erin, wore like the exact same shirt as me! Only hers was green and didn’t have stripes and it was like, shorter, and didn’t have sleeves or a collar and I’m like, OMG we’ve got the same shirt and she’s all SQUEEEE LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS and I’m like, that’s so cool because my other best friend is named Erin and can we have chicken for dinner? But not that kind that I don’t like? The other kind? With the breading? Except not the thick breading, like the crumb kind? Like Nana made that one time? I don’t have any homework, for real, and Jose, the one with the mustache only works on Saturday’s now so I sent him a text to tell him that I wasn’t speaking to him and he said then why are you texting me and I said because it wasn’t me, it was VAMPIRE HONEY and he’s all what? And I’m like that’s my evil twin, GO TEAM EDWARD and OMG! I saw TEAM EDWARD shirts at Hot Topic, PLEASEMOMMMYPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE! Look! I’m making my puppy eyes! WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT ME?

All with out taking a single breath or even slowing down.

But because I am a Good Mother, I always ask “What did you do at school today?” before tuning out. That’s called Interacting With Your Child, people. It’s very important and necessary to their development. So, on Friday, when I picked her up from the YMCA, I inquired firstly, why the hell was she wearing a sweatshirt when it was 110* (because, like GOD, because it’s COOL. It’s got like DRAGONS on it.), secondly, did she use white out to paint her nails? (yes) And it better not’ve been my white out if so (um, I’ll put it back!), and thirdly, what did she do at school. I even sounded interested, apparently, because instead of the usual dissertation on who is dating whom, who is hating whom and which teacher is like, SO MEAN she paused for a moment, head tilted thoughtfully to the side and said

We had a Chuck Norris off. AND I WON! Isn’t that like AWESOME?

Yes, yes it is.

I have never been more proud then to learn my teenage daughter, who in all likelihood has never watched any movie Chuck Norris is in (excepting Dodgeball), was proficient enough in Chuck Norris-ism to win a “Yo Momma” style Chuck Norris off. I mean, this is certainly a reasonable claim to fame, right? What future employer will not be salivating at the mere thought that they are employing the Westland High 2008 Chuck Norris Off winner? That’s like the exact same thing as a Fulbright Scholarship or, say, a perfect SAT score, right?

Maybe she should start practicing her inflection on “Do you want fries with that?” just in case.

4 little kittens say Meow:

Debbie said...

My 17 year old daughter loves to tell really lame Chuck Norris jokes (breathlessly, in run-on sentences, much like yours). She's been telling them for months and months (the same 2 or 3 jokes, mind you). Then, the other day she ran up to me more excited than I had seen her in months. "Mom, did you know Chuck Norris was a real person?" I do love teenagers.

Miss Thystle said...

DEAR GOD, it's an epidemic. I thought my child was the only one afflicted by this. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or concerned by this development.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris Isn't funny, stop laughing.

(None of these are mine. All came from a google search on Chuck Norris. I heard Chuck Norris tried to change the name of Google to Chuck Norris.)

Holly Kay said...

Miss Thystle, you are SO FUNNY. That is the most adorable (but accurate imitation of a female teenager I have ever read.

I thought no one could possibly talk more than my 7 year old and 4 year old (who, of course, talk at the same time, and at all times. Like you, I get concerned about the long stretches of non-breathing as they talk)...But I see the duration of talking will grow. A LOT.