Thursday, August 28, 2008

FDA appoved account of what I did yesterday

6:05 – wake up, head pounding, throat sore, nose stuffed & running
6:06 – smack alarm blaring bullshit about something by some idiot to some other idiot
6:06-6:15 – snooze
6:15 – smack alarm
6:16-6:20 – stare at ceiling. Contemplate likelihood of boss having heart failure if I call in
6:22 – stumble to bathroom, turn on shower, examine chin for hairs
6:26 – finish plucking chin hairs – seriously, WTF?
6:28 – fish through cabinet for cold medicine, find expired bottle of Severe Cold, take hit
6:29 – Step into shower; scream. Giant dead bug in shower.
6:29:15 - EWEWEW dog eats dead bug
6:30 – 6:45 – shower while suspiciously eyeing drain for more bug-dinosaurs
6:45 – contemplate likelihood of boss firing me for calling in
6:46 – pull random items from dresser. Where the hell did that shirt come from?
6:47 – Damn, I need new panties, no wonder I never get laid
6:48 – why are all the socks white and yet none match?
6:49 – find one flip flop and one slipper. Close enough
6:50 – decide jeans make ass look fat
6:51 – remember ass IS fat; take off jeans
6:52 – discover all pants have shrunk in closet. Blame Global Warming.
6:53 – guzzle several doses of Tylenol Warming Severe Cold
6:54 – mmm, this stuff is tasty! Hit another sip to wash down three NyQuil liquid-tabs
6:55 – I wonder what this stuff would taste like with whiskey?
6:59 – like a melted orange popsicle! SWEET!
7:15 – drop VAMPIREHUNNYNOMNOMNOMNOM off at school
7:17 – Why is everything so swirly today?
7:19 – stop at CVS for more Orange Tylenol Tasty Delciousness
7:20 – CVS doesn’t sell whiskey. By 2 extra bottles of Tasty Yumyum & a curly straw
7:21 – DUDE. Those new laser stop lights are WICKED bright
7:23 – I’m pretty sure that chicken has six eyes
7:26 – Office lights too bright – unscrew all bulbs in office & hallway & throw away
7:35 – call 911 – someone has stolen all the light bulbs
7:542312 – Opficer Glugglug wants me to walk straight line
8_13 – Boss tells FUDDY DUDDY Glugglug that I am not usually naked at work
*:145 – shows what he knows!
8:26 – Promise Ofhisor Glub that I will not drive for 1412087 hours.
8:37teen – rolling chairs and stairs do not mix
8:40 – find tooth
8_90 – actually that was a candy corn
9:16 – Why the hell is it so dark in here?
(-23 – light switch broken, unscrew plate and stick screw driver in switchy bit to check electrically connection whatsit
9:25 – SONOFABITCH
9:43 – crack open new bottle of heaven
10-12 – count dots in ceiling tiles
12:45 – I can see up the paramedics nose
1:00 – sirens are loud WOOOWOOWOOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOWOOO
1:01 – I should move right there is a amblience coming
1:46 – Dr. Nofun says that th4ree bottles of cold tastiness is too many
1:48 – Dr. Nofun claims he did not get medical license from University of Cracker Jacks
1:52 - it’s easy to pants people wearing scrubs
1:53 – wrist restraints? Not as kinky as you might think
2:15 – Hannibal Lector impression does not amuse nurses
2:40 – disappointed to learn cup of jello is not jello shot
2:59 – finally chew through left wristycuffywhtshit
3:10 – out run three orderlies, a nurse, security guard, pregnant lady and large penguin
3:12 – plaid dress has no back
3:13 – leaned you do not sit down in dress with no back, burned waffle pattern in booty
3:45 – seriously, I just need like ONE more dose of tylenloly and I’ll be fine
3:50 – out run cops, drop two bottles of tasty goodness – manage to hang onto 13
4:13 – 5:50 – no idea what happened, but it was Jesus says “Hi, Y’all!”
6:14 – wonder why new tattoo says “SHARK & KIKI 4EVAH”
6:15 – it’s kind of a cute likeness of Jay Leno though
7:59 – how did I get to Reno?
8:15 – I’m pretty sure these are not my socks
9:13 – unable to find currency exchanger to trade Deutschmarks back to pesos\
(9_15 – I mean dollars
9:45 – hail cab, driver only speaks Klingon – me too! America is AWESOME
10:10 – arrive at GreyHound bus depot – hum Mission Impossible theme – hide in baggage area
11:56 – wave good-by to Pablo, Jose, Maria, Conchita, Salvador and Larry
12:-- - back in bed…strangely tired. They should put a warning on that cold medicine.

8 little kittens say Meow:

kwr221 said...

Even in sickness, you're funny.

Hope you feel better soon.

Since we're both so lucky, how 'bout we go off to Vegas?

Miss Thystle said...

OOh! Good idea! Let me just stock up on NyQuil and I'll meet you there!

Lorrie Veasey said...

I peed myself a little after reading this.

Not 100% sure it had anything to do with content.

You so funny. I might have to try this myself in the hope it will provide a similarly hysterical blog. How many calories in Tylenol PM again?

Miss Thystle said...

It doesn't say - so that means NONE!

Jane-Fay said...

Seriously? Your ER has plaid gowns? I'm jealous.
You are TOO, too funny.

PearlsOfSomething said...

I once sat on my lovely floral-patterned outdoor chair while wearing a bathing suit. I feel bad for cows. At least *my ass got a rose.

Nadine Hightower said...

So it's wrong to take a swig of juice or medicine or something or pick uppa piece of fruit and wonder what will it taste like if I add booze to it???

Proto said...

Fun Day. Where is that foriegn exchange booth when I need it?