FDA appoved account of what I did yesterday

6:05 – wake up, head pounding, throat sore, nose stuffed & running
6:06 – smack alarm blaring bullshit about something by some idiot to some other idiot
6:06-6:15 – snooze
6:15 – smack alarm
6:16-6:20 – stare at ceiling. Contemplate likelihood of boss having heart failure if I call in
6:22 – stumble to bathroom, turn on shower, examine chin for hairs
6:26 – finish plucking chin hairs – seriously, WTF?
6:28 – fish through cabinet for cold medicine, find expired bottle of Severe Cold, take hit
6:29 – Step into shower; scream. Giant dead bug in shower.
6:29:15 - EWEWEW dog eats dead bug
6:30 – 6:45 – shower while suspiciously eyeing drain for more bug-dinosaurs
6:45 – contemplate likelihood of boss firing me for calling in
6:46 – pull random items from dresser. Where the hell did that shirt come from?
6:47 – Damn, I need new panties, no wonder I never get laid
6:48 – why are all the socks white and yet none match?
6:49 – find one flip flop and one slipper. Close enough
6:50 – decide jeans make ass look fat
6:51 – remember ass IS fat; take off jeans
6:52 – discover all pants have shrunk in closet. Blame Global Warming.
6:53 – guzzle several doses of Tylenol Warming Severe Cold
6:54 – mmm, this stuff is tasty! Hit another sip to wash down three NyQuil liquid-tabs
6:55 – I wonder what this stuff would taste like with whiskey?
6:59 – like a melted orange popsicle! SWEET!
7:15 – drop VAMPIREHUNNYNOMNOMNOMNOM off at school
7:17 – Why is everything so swirly today?
7:19 – stop at CVS for more Orange Tylenol Tasty Delciousness
7:20 – CVS doesn’t sell whiskey. By 2 extra bottles of Tasty Yumyum & a curly straw
7:21 – DUDE. Those new laser stop lights are WICKED bright
7:23 – I’m pretty sure that chicken has six eyes
7:26 – Office lights too bright – unscrew all bulbs in office & hallway & throw away
7:35 – call 911 – someone has stolen all the light bulbs
7:542312 – Opficer Glugglug wants me to walk straight line
8_13 – Boss tells FUDDY DUDDY Glugglug that I am not usually naked at work
*:145 – shows what he knows!
8:26 – Promise Ofhisor Glub that I will not drive for 1412087 hours.
8:37teen – rolling chairs and stairs do not mix
8:40 – find tooth
8_90 – actually that was a candy corn
9:16 – Why the hell is it so dark in here?
(-23 – light switch broken, unscrew plate and stick screw driver in switchy bit to check electrically connection whatsit
9:25 – SONOFABITCH
9:43 – crack open new bottle of heaven
10-12 – count dots in ceiling tiles
12:45 – I can see up the paramedics nose
1:00 – sirens are loud WOOOWOOWOOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOWOOO
1:01 – I should move right there is a amblience coming
1:46 – Dr. Nofun says that th4ree bottles of cold tastiness is too many
1:48 – Dr. Nofun claims he did not get medical license from University of Cracker Jacks
1:52 - it’s easy to pants people wearing scrubs
1:53 – wrist restraints? Not as kinky as you might think
2:15 – Hannibal Lector impression does not amuse nurses
2:40 – disappointed to learn cup of jello is not jello shot
2:59 – finally chew through left wristycuffywhtshit
3:10 – out run three orderlies, a nurse, security guard, pregnant lady and large penguin
3:12 – plaid dress has no back
3:13 – leaned you do not sit down in dress with no back, burned waffle pattern in booty
3:45 – seriously, I just need like ONE more dose of tylenloly and I’ll be fine
3:50 – out run cops, drop two bottles of tasty goodness – manage to hang onto 13
4:13 – 5:50 – no idea what happened, but it was Jesus says “Hi, Y’all!”
6:14 – wonder why new tattoo says “SHARK & KIKI 4EVAH”
6:15 – it’s kind of a cute likeness of Jay Leno though
7:59 – how did I get to Reno?
8:15 – I’m pretty sure these are not my socks
9:13 – unable to find currency exchanger to trade Deutschmarks back to pesos\
(9_15 – I mean dollars
9:45 – hail cab, driver only speaks Klingon – me too! America is AWESOME
10:10 – arrive at GreyHound bus depot – hum Mission Impossible theme – hide in baggage area
11:56 – wave good-by to Pablo, Jose, Maria, Conchita, Salvador and Larry
12:-- - back in bed…strangely tired. They should put a warning on that cold medicine.