A Crattering of Smap

I don’t have a real blog today, but I do have some crap to tell you.

Yes, I am a real minister. Well, as real a minister as one can be when one is ordained on the internet. I think it’s ironic, too, just so you know.

So, remember how I’m an accountant? And I’m supposed to be good with numbers and stuff? And like totally detail oriented and super anal about deadlines and whatever? Right. So M’s first day of school was this week and I was SO SURE it was Monday, and I got her up and made sure she was dressed and at school on time and I dropped her off, looked right at the sign that says “First day! 8/19!” and then drove out of the parking lot congratulating myself for being like, the ONLY parent on time to the first day of school and then I’m all the way to work and hear an ad for something being “Released TUESDAY 8/19!” and I’m like. Oh. Whoops.

At least I wasn’t 24hrs LATE for the first day of school.

And guess what else? Miss “Got a “D” in Math” is in honor’s math and science this year. She’s pretty stoked about it too. What the hell?

Then, on Monday, I made pizza for dinner and we didn’t eat it all, so while I went to clean out the bathroom cabinet (side note, does anyone need 9 different brands of half used shampoo? Let me know) I left it on the counter and when I came back in the kitchen….gone. Turns out the puppy can reach the counter, so he helped himself and his brothers to a half of a family sized pizza.

For the record, puppy’s get wicked bad pepperoni farts.

I’ve had a headache since last Thursday, it’s making me super cranky.

Took M to the D-backs game last night. Why isn’t baseball more interesting? 3+ hours of watching grass grow and then 5 minutes of the pitcher trying to give the game away. At least it was $8 beer night.

I got my whole face sunburned at Deloris’s bridal shower (I’m her minister….hahaha. Poor girl. Just kidding. My ceremony is going to KICK ass. Especially when the Ninja’s attack and then Jesus pops out of the cake and vanquishes them using the bridal bouquet before joining me in a duet to “Genie in a Bottle” and then delivering a soliloquy about the beauty of marriage, ascending into “Heaven” and lighting the grand finale fire works show that spells out I Heart Matrimony in sparkly pink letters) But now, my face is peeling and that includes my scalp, so it looks like I have a dangerous and possibly contagious case of dandruff. And since I have only two colors of shirts, black to show off the dandruff and pink to accentuate my sunburn, I’ve spent all week looking like a “Don’t” which makes me cranky because when Tim Gunn shows up for tea (I’ve started stalking him since a certain Miss Winfrey got yet another restraining order) he’s going to be so ashamed of me and we’ll never get matching “Make it Work” tattoos and then my life will be over.
Sigh.

I just can’t get ahead. Pretty soon I’m going to be relegated to stalking people no one has ever even heard of. Like the guy who does the Maytag commercials. Although, he IS kind of cute. I bet *he* would appreciate it at least. HE probably wouldn’t even turn the hose on me at 2am when I spell out ‘I heart clean laundry’ with the lint I’ve stolen from his dryer.

See that? Silver lining to everything.

Carry on.