True Religion

Last night, I had a really horrible dream. Not scary, but freaky. I woke up thinking that its message was so completely profound that I just HAD to tell you guys, that our very LIVES depended on my getting this message out to all of you so that we could act now to prevent the calamity that looms in our future.

Then, I completely forgot what it was, so we’re all going to die.

Sorry about that.

So, I’m sitting on the can at work, thinking REALLY hard about what this damn dream was while giving birth to a baby I like to call “Cheesecake Factory Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake, Jr.” and when I’ve finished my “thinking” I flush the potty and wouldn’t you know it? It clogs.

Right. Awkward.

There I am, watching the “water” creep dangerously close to the lip of the throne wondering if I it would just be easier to quit than have to admit that my giant turd over flowed the crapper. Being the only girl here, it’s not like I could really just walk out acting like it wasn’t me and then hope I didn’t meet anyone in the hall, because if the girl shitter is over flowing there’s really only one person to hold accountable and we all know who THAT is.

Ahem.

And remember how I’m not religious? Well, let me tell you, I prayed for a miracle like I was Saint Mother Theresa visiting starving one legged Calcutta slum orphans infected with malaria.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, pleasepleaseplease do not let the toilet overflow and splash my pretty red shoes with shit-water. I promise to not consume more than 2000 calories at dinner ever, ever again if you just grant me this one wish, Love, your friend, REVEREND Kiki, ordained November 2007, AMEN.

Then, like Moses parting the poopy sea, the poo-water began its slow decent into the bowels of the municipal sewer system! When the water stopped running, I flushed again and like the true miracle it was, the last of the brackish water disappeared from view and LO, I saw that the poo was gone, and I knew the Lord Baby Jesus had granted my prayers!

Which is why, if anyone needs me, I’ll be at church praying for thin thighs, five million dollars, a never ending supply of designer purses, a closet full of red shoes and world peace.

See? I’m not TOTALLY selfish.