Late at night, when I lie in bed thinking random thoughts I like to think about what I'm going to blog the next day.
Most of the time, in my head at least, these late night mental bloggings are really, really insightful and funny. Sometimes, they're even profound. Like really profound, not Thystle-profound. Usually, as I mental blog, I'm all "DAMN! This is like the BEST BLOG EVER" and then I go to sleep all smug and filled with my blogging prowess.
Do you think I ever, even ONE TIME, remember the next day what the hell that wicked awesome blog was about? NO I DO NOT.
Last night was no exception. I even giggled out loud and startled the dog. Who farted and then ignored me. Much like most of the Internet.Then, this morning, I wake up and feel all bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm all "I've GOT to log on and blog that....SHIT MOTHER-OF-FUCK what the FUCK was that blog about last night" and then I started thinking.
For an Honorary Southern Belle I've got a damn foul mouth. It's not very Truvy of me to say MOTHER-OF-FUCK and it's really not at all Scarlett O'Hara to say it in all caps, as I'm wont to do (aside; don't you like how I worked "wont" into a sentence? It's way more challenging than slipping in a "hence"). So I got to thinking, what can I say instead? What kind of signature phrase can I parlay into "Fiddle-dee-dee" status? What will be my "Sweet Nibblets"?
I need something more sarcastic than "Snap!" and something more biting than "Bless her little heart" and something that will rival "Lord Love a Duck!" but not slide too far into "Great Cesar's Ghost!" in it's cutesy folksy charm.
Now, to me "Cheese and Rice" has always sounded a little to like the ill thought out response to "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUNG MAN", so that's out. "Heavens to Betsey" is just a bit to Ouiser for me and "Jumped up" while flexible, has probably got it's basis in something racist.
So here I sit, alone in my office, saying possible F-word substitutes out loud. Which isn't even the craziest thing I'll probably do today and to be honest is preferable than what I usually do at my desk, which is examine my chin for errant hairs and try to speed dial radio stations to win contests while surfing eBay for random items like human eyes and pig guts . Isn't being middle management AWESOME?
But, despite my strong work ethic, I am no closer to solving my sailor mouth issue.
Which leads me to you!
I KNOW! I can feel the air around me buzzing with your excitement!So, what, Invisible Internet Lovelies, do you suggest I say instead.There's an expensive and illustrious prize in for you. And by expensive I mean "cheap" and by illustrious I mean "alcoholic".
What KIND of alcohol? Well, I haven't really thought that far. But it will be tasty and you will love it and it will fit in the SHINY flask that I'll send along with it!
So here's how we'll do it....leave your suggestions in the comments before midnight on Wednesday and I'll post a post a poll on Thursday or Friday.
Then, we'll vote. And if I don't like the results of the vote, I'll totally pad it. You know, to make it fair and all.