Late at night, when I lie in bed thinking random thoughts I like to think about what I'm going to blog the next day.
Most of the time, in my head at least, these late night mental bloggings are really, really insightful and funny. Sometimes, they're even profound. Like really profound, not Thystle-profound. Usually, as I mental blog, I'm all "DAMN! This is like the BEST BLOG EVER" and then I go to sleep all smug and filled with my blogging prowess.
Do you think I ever, even ONE TIME, remember the next day what the hell that wicked awesome blog was about? NO I DO NOT.
Last night was no exception. I even giggled out loud and startled the dog. Who farted and then ignored me. Much like most of the Internet.Then, this morning, I wake up and feel all bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm all "I've GOT to log on and blog that....SHIT MOTHER-OF-FUCK what the FUCK was that blog about last night" and then I started thinking.
For an Honorary Southern Belle I've got a damn foul mouth. It's not very Truvy of me to say MOTHER-OF-FUCK and it's really not at all Scarlett O'Hara to say it in all caps, as I'm wont to do (aside; don't you like how I worked "wont" into a sentence? It's way more challenging than slipping in a "hence"). So I got to thinking, what can I say instead? What kind of signature phrase can I parlay into "Fiddle-dee-dee" status? What will be my "Sweet Nibblets"?
I need something more sarcastic than "Snap!" and something more biting than "Bless her little heart" and something that will rival "Lord Love a Duck!" but not slide too far into "Great Cesar's Ghost!" in it's cutesy folksy charm.
Now, to me "Cheese and Rice" has always sounded a little to like the ill thought out response to "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUNG MAN", so that's out. "Heavens to Betsey" is just a bit to Ouiser for me and "Jumped up" while flexible, has probably got it's basis in something racist.
So here I sit, alone in my office, saying possible F-word substitutes out loud. Which isn't even the craziest thing I'll probably do today and to be honest is preferable than what I usually do at my desk, which is examine my chin for errant hairs and try to speed dial radio stations to win contests while surfing eBay for random items like human eyes and pig guts . Isn't being middle management AWESOME?
But, despite my strong work ethic, I am no closer to solving my sailor mouth issue.
Which leads me to you!
I KNOW! I can feel the air around me buzzing with your excitement!So, what, Invisible Internet Lovelies, do you suggest I say instead.There's an expensive and illustrious prize in for you. And by expensive I mean "cheap" and by illustrious I mean "alcoholic".
What KIND of alcohol? Well, I haven't really thought that far. But it will be tasty and you will love it and it will fit in the SHINY flask that I'll send along with it!
So here's how we'll do it....leave your suggestions in the comments before midnight on Wednesday and I'll post a post a poll on Thursday or Friday.
Then, we'll vote. And if I don't like the results of the vote, I'll totally pad it. You know, to make it fair and all.
Posts
19 little kittens say Meow:
Yay! Something to fill up MY middle management day...
thinking... thinking very hard.
Oh, man. I hope you have some very creative readers. My biggest non-cuss cuss word right now is "Frickity-frackity-fruck-face." I somehow miss the r toward the end most times.
Could that be how my 6 year old intuitively knew what the f in "What the F?" stands for?
Oh, I doubt it. Probably learned it from TV.
Darn that Disney channel!
Oh I'm so excited. Did I understand correctly--the contest is who can think of the best phrase to substitute "Mother-of-Fuck"?? WHAT FUN.
I also naturally curse like a sailor but try to avoid it to seem more sophisticated than I am...So I should have some good suggestions.
However...I am not coming up with any. I will post some when I do--I really like pearlofsomething's train of thought--frickity-frack-frack or sth like this.
GOT ONE.
You know how we say "heck" instead of "hell"? Well, in Russian, they have a word very similar to m-o-f (the one you want a substitute for). To avoid saying m-o-f, they say the word for "pancake." It's harmless, just like heck. It just sounds funnier.
Therefore, my suggestion is to say "oh PANCAKE" in place of "oh M-O-F!"
Oh. My. Gosh.
The pressure is ON! I love a contest, but this one is already giving me anxiety and I may need to heavily self-medicate.
Where the *&^*&(^*(*(_()_ is that left-over prescription anyway?
See, now I don't really HAVE any good suggestions because I have had such grievous lapses in parental judgment that my 13 year old now sounds more like a sailor than I do and it's hard to ground him for sounding just. like. you.
I'm so screwed.
I actually use the frickety-frack line when I remember that I'm not supposed to be swearing.
or how about
mufflelufflelophugus?
Oh Fuuuudge!
As a fellow potty Frickin' mouth that can cuss a blue Freakin' streak wider than any Flippin' sailor on shore leave ...I just don't see the Friggin' problem.
To thine own self be true...is my motto!
And Fuck 'em, if they can't take a joke!!
And the horse they rode in on!!
She says from behind Nadine's big ass apron.
othermay foay uckfay works for me. And you sound smarter using it because people are always so impressed with LATIN.
My mother-in-law says "frappin".
My grandfather used to say "Well, goodnight nurse!"
Also "Katie, bar the door."
My father used to say "Dadgummit."
Btw, if you're looking for a good substitute for "Bless your heart" may I suggest "Bless your little pointy head" and also "Bless your litle cotton socks." (we all know this is just code for "You are sad and pathetic. Who dresses you in the morning?")
Lemme know if I win. Meanwhile, I'm going back to surfing ebay for anyone looking to buy a kidney. I have one to spare and I need Christmas money.
Sorry, I got VERY little.
My standbys are usually son-of-a-swear-word... and pig trucker... and even sometimes sock-clucker.
Maybe you could go with father of muck.
Now that my kids are older, and I know they already know all the vocab, I usually just go with a straight up ASS for most things. So simple... yet appropriate.
I rarely cuss...unless someone pulls out in front of me, I can't find the remote, the dogs are trying to kill each other, I have coffee and no milk, I have bills and no money, the sun comes up, the sun goes down, but thats the only time.
We like to quote Spongebob and say
'Sweet Mother of Pearl'
and then I go to the real stuff...
Ah, Spongebob is a good resource. My children are fond of "Tarter sauce!" You know, when they're not using the F word. Which, I promise they don't actually do very often. They prefer "What the hell?" Which is also somewhat rare. "Mom said clean your shit up" is probably the winner.
I may be a bad mom, but at least they have the context nailed!
When Grandma is really pissed, she'll say "Godammit- and I MEAN it!"
Left some love for you on my blog, come over and see it.
.......how about Mother Goose?
and you know what I really mean by that.
I have nothing...except one thing to share.
When my oldest was just learning to speak, my wife set a plate of food down in front of her and our daughter said, "Wha du fuk."
My wife looked at me and I looked at her and we both said, "I didn't do it."
"What did you just say Jenifer?" I asked.
"Wha. Duh. FuK."
Again my wife & I pointed fingers at each other.
Jeni looked at us and said, "Not spoon, not nife, Fok"
Where's the fork?
We still use that sentence when we go out to restaurants and we're missing our silverware.
What about "Son of a Mother Frucker"? That's usually what I say when Baylee is sitting there and I can't actually cuss... then again the other day she did say, "Oh Shit".... yes, in the right context and everything!
And, she's 3 1/2... I'm wondering when she's going to start saying the good stuff! :)
Hugs - Tiffany
Wow - I thought I was a bit blog-obsessed when I found myself doing exactly that at night. Glad to hear I am not alone! :p
I am sorry. Sometimes there is just no substitute for a good swear word. My favorite is shit. It goes with everything. No shit? What a buncha shit. You are full of shit. Or sometimes just the plain exclamation of shit in response to just about any news you are given. I have tremendous breeding and class but sometimes being a lady can be soooo stuffy :)
oh yeah, my friends three year old used to yell 'Fire Fuck' when he saw the big red trucks go by and it was always when others were around...
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