Thursday, July 16, 2009


Look at me, reviewing shit again.

Yesterday dawned bright and early and after much Facebook wall discussion I braved the WalGreens and bought hair dye and dyed my hair MUCH darker. Which all the boys at work noticed and my husband didn't.

Then, after work, I took myself out for a pedicure, because nothing does a body good quite the same way as a hot stone foot massage and BRIGHT pink toenails.

For the hell out it I stopped at Old Navy were I found an adorable pair of rockabilly chic skinny leg dark wash capri's on sale for $15. These to replace the pair I had on that made me look like TweedleDum.

On the way home, killing time as I waited for my husband to leave home for his class, I stopped at Target, where I amused myself reading the backs of novels and trying on clothes meant for teenagers. As luck would have it I actually managed to remember BEFORE I left the store that we were out of a few things like deodorant and shaving cream and other odds and ends that you never think about until you're out of them and one leg is shaved and you're all MOTHER FUCKER and then you have to use your ridiculously expensive hair conditioner on the other leg.

As I contemplated toothpaste brands, mint levels and claims of whitening I spied these bad boys

Now, I've tried just about every brand of at-home whitening out there. I've tried Crest White Strips, both dissolving and regular (waste of time) Colgate whitening gel (tastes gross) and on and on. The problem with all of them is that you have to use them twice a day for like two weeks.

And I? Do not have that kind of attention span. Two hours though, I can do. Because TLC had back-to-back episodes of "I didn't know I was pregnant" or as CK's adorable friend Brenda calls it "I Pooped a Baby".

The first thing you do is mold the little mouth trays. Which was easy enough. Then, you fill them with the gel, also, easy. Then you stick them in your mouth and wait 20 minutes. Take them out, wait ten and repeat three more times until you've gone 2 hours.

The gel wasn't too icky tasting, and the trays were comfortable enough and the time limit was even reasonable. But my results? Eh. I wouldn't say my teeth were "noticeably whiter" when I was done. And this morning? OH MY LORD. My teeth are KILLING me. My gums are KILLING me. My tongue feels like I scorched it. I tried to drink a glass of ice water and it was TORTURE. Now, while I was doing the process, I didn't have any tenderness. It seems to have developed overnight. The instructions do say that some people develop short term sensitivity and that it goes away, so I'm not too worried, but DAMN. OW.

Price: $19

Worth: $8

Verdict: Skip it unless you have a coupon.

PS. Thank you everyone for your comments and advice yesterday. Even those of you that suggested things of questionable moral and legal nature. Loves you all!

3 little kittens say Meow:

Kr√ęg said...

Everyone knows that Aryan Nation Brand Whitening Strips are the only way to get your teeth their whitest. No intermixing of those undesirable colors in your mouth. Just pure whiteness, as God intended. Your teeth will be visibly gleaming behind your hood!

Lorrie Veasey said...

Crap. I hate when I have to follow Kreg. Especially when my only witty verbage is "Get thee to a tube of sensodine."

I am glad you tried these tho because i would have been tempted myself. I am curious if you tried the new crest clings.

This is so on my to-do list. But if I fix the teeth, it might make my roots look even worse.

Nadine Hightower said...

I did the whole teeth whitening thing and thought I was making progress until I went to the dentist...That like have killed me!!!
My teeth were so sentitive it was not funny. I actually grabbed the woman's hand to get her stop!! She asked if I used anything at home, And I told about the whitener. That's what caused it.
I haven't used that stuff since.