Monday, December 29, 2008

Don't Kiss Your Honey When Your Nose is Runny

Have y'all seen that movie "Christmas With the Kranks"? No? Well, it sucks. But that's not my point. I know, right? Shocking that *I* of all people should start a post with a sentence that has nothing to do with anything and possibly isn't related even one itsy-bitsy bit to the post.

You're welcome.

What was I saying? Oh yes, Skipping Christmas. That's the book that movie was based on I think. I haven't read that either, but I think if I were the author I'd be glad that people didn't associate my likely passable or possibly even stellar literary genius with that crapfest. I mean, really, with as hard as it is to get published, let alone have a book that translates well into film, would make you think you'd be pretty pissed if someone did THAT to your baby. And believe you me, a book is a lot like a baby. It makes you want to kill yourself at least once a week because you can't sleep at night and also? It makes your ass fat.

This post has lost the plot entirely.

WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY is that this year, we skipped Christmas. Well, not exactly skipped it, more like showed up late and then ducked out early. Like the birthday party that you go to because even though you don't like the birthday person, you know the booze will be flowing and food will be tasty. So you eat, drink and bail. That's what I did, this holiday season. I strung one row of lights around the porch and wrapped the mailbox with tinsel garland and that was exactly it. No tree, no cookies, no giant pile of shredded wrapping paper. We cooked the big meal, broke out the booze and watched The Dark Knight on television while Uncle Chuck dozed on the sofa.

As a result, the 8lb 6oz Lord Baby Jesus gave me the plague.

Because he's like that.

So, I spent the rest of the weekend in my pajama's sniffling into a paper towel because we were out of Kleenex and foraging through the left overs for sustenance and drinking a boat load of whiskey n' honey because we ran out of NyQuil sometime Saturday.

The only upside, if there is one, is that I have learned that you can burn 9,000 calories! from coughing.

The line to make out with me forms to the left.

7 little kittens say Meow:

Jane! said...

Well, I hope you learned something... like stock up on tissues BEFORE you piss off the baby Jesus.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Did you say 9,000 calories? Pucker up, baby! Scandy's comin'

Jane! said...

Wow, you're scaring me. We just had the 'fill the water bowl' conversation not 10 minutes ago. We have an extra dog which is apparently half camel and if I put a 5-gallon bucket out, it would still only last half a day.

In other news... MY year-end doesn't happen until June. *ducks*

Nadine Hightower said...

Roy and I did the same thing...hid out Christmas day. And nobody called us either.....It was awesome!!!

I wish every Holiday could be that way!

Sorry about the cold.

Racie Lover said...

We had Xmas at a close friend's house so we didn't have to clean up (they are the only people in the known Universe whose maid actually works on Christmas day, no kidding). Then we had our semi-annual-ish Boxing Day party and Paco nearly killed me because I was so anxious about it being perfect. Then Sister K gave me a Xanax, I took a Power Nap and the party was a big success. Except for when the denatured alcohol spilled onto the linen table cloth, caught fire and nearly burned the house down. That was bad. Real bad. Merry Christmas.

blairspage said...

I hope you get to feeling better! We had Christmas breakfast here with my family which worked out great! Made a couple of breakfast casserole's and sent everyone on their Merry way so we could leave town to go to Cabot. Made it there in 3 hours flat... normally it takes about 4-4 1/2 with baby in tote! And, my husbands small bladder!

Bj in Dallas said...

whats up sista?? I've been MIA at the parental units out of town with M2. so good to be back to my bed, the sled team, blah blah blah. Hope you are way betta...
HNYear...put out an empty champagne glass to go along with the elaborate Christmas decs..